The balance between a mother and woman

I fear it will be a lifelong struggle for me to constantly want to be there for all the things that you want from me while finding the time to prioritize the things I also want for my own personal life.

I love that you turn to me when you need something and I never want that to not be the case but I find as I’m turning 50 my energy is less; my stress is more.

I want to have adult relationships with all of you and with my grandchildren and I also want peace and calm and I find that they conflict each other a lot just in the sheer business of it all. Never doubt I do not always want you around me and love you with all my heart. I tell you this because one day you may feel this conflict and it may help you to better under me too.

I’m constantly battling that I’m not there for all the things that you want, that disappoint you and even when you don’t complain, I am weighed down with guilt. When you were younger, I thought it would pass as you became adults but now, you are grown beautiful people who are self-sufficient and yet I always feel I could do more. I think it’s natures instinct that a mother feels the need to give of herself, even when they have not much left of themselves (in energy) to give. If you choose to be parents, you will feel it. Know it’s ok and normal and admitting it does not diminish any love you have, just helps us to be honest with ourselves on what we need (something parents don’t do enough).

I try to help you understand I need the downtime to balance the stresses of life so that I can be strong and healthy and I think you do understand that however, I also know you don’t have many places to turn, and that makes your need from me greater and the weight on me greater.

It’s a blessing and I’m grateful for it but it’s very hard too.

This year more than ever I found myself wondering if I should give up a career that I love to make room for things that are more important to me. While my career brings me great pride and has provided for many wonderful adventures for all of us, and the financial ability to help you when you need it, I know it takes a toll, especially this year. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching about whether I should let it go because it is not the most important thing in my world, and more so if I do, what do I do with my future? I’m not any position to not work and I had never planned to re-create my career path at this point in my life either.

Ideally, I’d like to find something working with underprivileged or homeless. I’m searching for that, but I don’t really have a direction yet.

I hope that you will always know, regardless of what I choose, in everything I do; you are always on my mind and a consideration even as you are adults now. It is something a parent never outgrows.

10/2024